怎么了？我不能用中文吗？
又忘了写日记。混蛋。人老糊涂了。最近没有酒精的影响下还是那样的醉生梦死。每一天就这样迷迷糊糊的过去。正所谓行尸走肉啊！
20日。早上到N2上课，吃了午餐想要开始为星期五的考试做准备，可是另一个潜在的我又让我坐在电脑前发白日梦。还好晚餐前成功向家华借了报考来抄。人懒真的是没有药救。晚上慧君又传短讯过来。这小丫头突然间好像要亲近我似的。好嘛，反正我也是那种不太会拒绝别人的笨蛋，电话费突然间又多了不少。我的钱包又开始在隐隐作痛了。对了，Beatrace说她不能和我到The Mines一游了。看来我的第一次“半约会”又云消雨散。哎，还以为在二十岁以前可以和女生单独出去，看来又要延迟到二十一，二十二，二十三，二十四……
人生是一场无尽的等待，谁的耐性好谁就是赢家。
这是真的吗？那为什么正在等待一个能摆脱现状的机会的我，一直被人说是活死人呢？
21日。早上，到实验室做一些我压根儿就不明白的实验。完了，回到房间，发了一会儿梦，看了一集Top Gear，才开始念待会儿三点半要考的试。一如既往，Organic Retro Synthesis 的题目还是一律搞不懂（没有念书的后果）。结果只完成了一半。幸好另外一半我还写得出来。
晚上，开始做明天要交的作业，可是根本就搞不懂题目是什么。算了，就等会儿再抄千美的吧。继续醉生梦死。慧君又传短讯来了。没办法，只好打了个电话给她。谈了超过一个小时，电话费好贵啊！心，在隐隐作痛~~不过感觉还不错，自从素雯把我抛弃了以后第一次说那么久的电话。唉，又想起了伤心事。忧郁的人生啊……
好了，一点钟要到了，是时候去拿功课来抄了。开心一点吧，明天就可以回家了！
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
19/2/2008 - ...
Another day passed, or wasted, without anything notable happened, without any work done, without anything learned. Hence, no title for today.
I started to suspect that I have Schizophrenia. I do fantasizing a lot, i do often think out of reality, etc etc. I really think I need some psychological assessment from a psychologist. The torments I suffered everyday for these years have already get into me. I need a breakthrough, but now I'm in an unstoppable downward spiral... I need someone to pull me out... Which will not happen as nobody really know my condition... And nowadays nobody is willing to do this rather sacrificing task without any substantial reward... Which is something I can't give because I really don't have anything to offer...
Things will only get worse soon... I really hope I can retain my sanity... But recently events have shown that I am starting to losing control of myself...
I really want to cry. But at the same I also want to release the pressure and anger in me. I can't do both. I don't know how long I can save these within me. It is already full long ago, and the "container" is starting to show signs of leakage...
Get well soon. Or so I hope.
I started to suspect that I have Schizophrenia. I do fantasizing a lot, i do often think out of reality, etc etc. I really think I need some psychological assessment from a psychologist. The torments I suffered everyday for these years have already get into me. I need a breakthrough, but now I'm in an unstoppable downward spiral... I need someone to pull me out... Which will not happen as nobody really know my condition... And nowadays nobody is willing to do this rather sacrificing task without any substantial reward... Which is something I can't give because I really don't have anything to offer...
Things will only get worse soon... I really hope I can retain my sanity... But recently events have shown that I am starting to losing control of myself...
I really want to cry. But at the same I also want to release the pressure and anger in me. I can't do both. I don't know how long I can save these within me. It is already full long ago, and the "container" is starting to show signs of leakage...
Get well soon. Or so I hope.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
17&18/2/2008 - Flash
Alrght. Forgot to write, fallen asleep.
Actually there are nothing worth mention in this 2 days. Rotting in my room, sleep for a really long time, are the only things I can remember.
Time goes like a flash, doesn't it?
Actually there are nothing worth mention in this 2 days. Rotting in my room, sleep for a really long time, are the only things I can remember.
Time goes like a flash, doesn't it?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
16/2/2008 - Annoyed
Woke up at 12.30pm. Not a very good sleep. I think i need a something to hug FFS.
慧君 SMS-ed. My cute little ex-student said that we have not in contact for a long time so she wanted to chat with me. Well, it's true that I have neglected her or my students for a while. Looks like my brigade of little girl ex-students think of me more than any of my dear friends. How pathetic. Looks like I better go back to school during my recess. Suddenly I think of my brigade. Students nowadays are really pitiful. Every one, especially those elder people, always think that children are "childish" and foolish. That's not the case. Actually some of them are better than me in terms of social interaction. And my "brigade" are close to me not because of I am handsome or whatever. It is only because I am willing to listen to their problems and talk with them, give them advises, about those "taboo" issues, for example love relationship, sex, mental problem (maybe my mental instability is caused by these LOL) and so on. I think children nowadays are chronic lack of these kind of education. It is better to teach them the correct way rather than to let search and learn themselves by the wrong, hard way. In my opinion. Forget about shyness. As long as it can help students I am willing to sacrifice a bit. This is what a teacher should do. This is why teachers are hold with high regards. But teachers nowadays seem to be afraid to teach them certain things. Shy? Afraid of troubles? Lazy? I don't know.
Went to supermarket in the afternoon. Jurong Point is as usual, swarmed with lots and lots of people. What a crowded country this is. Tonight's dinner is sushi. I really love eating them.
Went to see football at night. And Liverpool and Arsenal lost. What a surprise. Grr.
Anyway, events have led me to wonder whether I am an annoying person that can't stop talking. People ALWAYS complain about me, saying I am very quiet, cold, never speak to people yada yada. Now when I start and try to talk, people say I talk too much and ask me to shut up. WTF this world wants from me? WHY EVERYBODY IS NOT HAPPY AND HATES WHATEVER I DO? Why don't some just come and finish me off so you don't have to endure the hatred to me. In this world only my family, a few friends and my students treat me with dignity. Not even my close relatives and so-called friends.
Rant over. Have to get on with life again. F*CK life.
慧君 SMS-ed. My cute little ex-student said that we have not in contact for a long time so she wanted to chat with me. Well, it's true that I have neglected her or my students for a while. Looks like my brigade of little girl ex-students think of me more than any of my dear friends. How pathetic. Looks like I better go back to school during my recess. Suddenly I think of my brigade. Students nowadays are really pitiful. Every one, especially those elder people, always think that children are "childish" and foolish. That's not the case. Actually some of them are better than me in terms of social interaction. And my "brigade" are close to me not because of I am handsome or whatever. It is only because I am willing to listen to their problems and talk with them, give them advises, about those "taboo" issues, for example love relationship, sex, mental problem (maybe my mental instability is caused by these LOL) and so on. I think children nowadays are chronic lack of these kind of education. It is better to teach them the correct way rather than to let search and learn themselves by the wrong, hard way. In my opinion. Forget about shyness. As long as it can help students I am willing to sacrifice a bit. This is what a teacher should do. This is why teachers are hold with high regards. But teachers nowadays seem to be afraid to teach them certain things. Shy? Afraid of troubles? Lazy? I don't know.
Went to supermarket in the afternoon. Jurong Point is as usual, swarmed with lots and lots of people. What a crowded country this is. Tonight's dinner is sushi. I really love eating them.
Went to see football at night. And Liverpool and Arsenal lost. What a surprise. Grr.
Anyway, events have led me to wonder whether I am an annoying person that can't stop talking. People ALWAYS complain about me, saying I am very quiet, cold, never speak to people yada yada. Now when I start and try to talk, people say I talk too much and ask me to shut up. WTF this world wants from me? WHY EVERYBODY IS NOT HAPPY AND HATES WHATEVER I DO? Why don't some just come and finish me off so you don't have to endure the hatred to me. In this world only my family, a few friends and my students treat me with dignity. Not even my close relatives and so-called friends.
Rant over. Have to get on with life again. F*CK life.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
15/2/2008 - ZzZzZz...
Nothing much happened today. I spent the whole day day-dreaming and play games. Another day wasted. Hehe.
Life returned to "normal" again, after fantasizing about my dream and future yesterday. Wild imagination. But now Valentine's Day is over. It's time to face the reality again. Those things will never happen, whether I try or not. Dream is always so pleasant.
*Really lazy to type, plus there is nothing to record about.
Life returned to "normal" again, after fantasizing about my dream and future yesterday. Wild imagination. But now Valentine's Day is over. It's time to face the reality again. Those things will never happen, whether I try or not. Dream is always so pleasant.
*Really lazy to type, plus there is nothing to record about.
Friday, February 15, 2008
14/2/2008 - Boost
Some extremely good news today. Finally I got a happy day after never-ending gloomy days.
Woke up at 8.30am. Lab from 9.30am to 12.45pm. Met The Girl on the way to lab (she technically met me actually, as I didn't see her first). Was greeted a happy V Day. My first and only Valentine's greeting from a female. Technically NO cards, NO gifts, and NO other VDay greetings on 14th from homo sapiens. Sobs. Learned that she broke up with her BF already. Why so many people around me broke up with their BF/GF within these few months? Does it mean that I am some sort of cursed soul, who jinx any people I met? Well not the first time people tell me these, and now I am more and more aware of it. Anyway the break-up can be some sort of good news to me, somehow. It is a great chance to settle down, and end my misery once and for all. Will I take it up, or able to take it up? This sounds terribly depressing...
Went back to my room straightaway after lunch. Kinda sick to see tons and tons of happy couples and friends busy celebrating Valentine's Day, while I, The Exiled, is forgotten. Anyway I got my first episode of Top Gear. Syok-nya! Extremely pleasant news, and it is an extremely good show. Finally I can have it in my laptop. One of my Valentine's Day presents from nobody (technically not from human, so I am still right).
Spent my afternoon watching Top Gear and day-dreaming. Had dinner at Canteen 9. Not a good meal though. Have some booze (some cocktail) at night, and my happy booze time was interrupted by mom's phone call. (Looks like my HP is still in deep shit, often can't receive phone calls.) She said she will call me "later". Damn. It put a stop to my booze session, as I don't want to answer mom's phone call with strong alcoholic influence (she will probably kill me later if she knows it). And that "later" came after almost 3 hours. WTF. What a day for a heavy drinking session, and what a disappointment for not fulfilling the "destiny". Haiz.
Downloaded 三国志英杰传. It reminds me of a lot of fond memories and my glory days. And its BGMs are damn nice. And while surfing the net I found out that THE 8.02 PATCH FOR FM08 IS OUT ON VALENTINE"S DAY!!! OMFG this is what a good news. Finally I can get rid of those annoying player registration bugs, play in Spanish league and most importantly, start my journeyman career. YeeeeeHoooww.
Conclusion: Although i'm still lonely, isolated and forgotten, this Valentine's Day is the best, and the most rewarding one I have in my life. I got a lot of things I wanted and badly needed today. A huge boost that slightly enlightened my life.
Woke up at 8.30am. Lab from 9.30am to 12.45pm. Met The Girl on the way to lab (she technically met me actually, as I didn't see her first). Was greeted a happy V Day. My first and only Valentine's greeting from a female. Technically NO cards, NO gifts, and NO other VDay greetings on 14th from homo sapiens. Sobs. Learned that she broke up with her BF already. Why so many people around me broke up with their BF/GF within these few months? Does it mean that I am some sort of cursed soul, who jinx any people I met? Well not the first time people tell me these, and now I am more and more aware of it. Anyway the break-up can be some sort of good news to me, somehow. It is a great chance to settle down, and end my misery once and for all. Will I take it up, or able to take it up? This sounds terribly depressing...
Went back to my room straightaway after lunch. Kinda sick to see tons and tons of happy couples and friends busy celebrating Valentine's Day, while I, The Exiled, is forgotten. Anyway I got my first episode of Top Gear. Syok-nya! Extremely pleasant news, and it is an extremely good show. Finally I can have it in my laptop. One of my Valentine's Day presents from nobody (technically not from human, so I am still right).
Spent my afternoon watching Top Gear and day-dreaming. Had dinner at Canteen 9. Not a good meal though. Have some booze (some cocktail) at night, and my happy booze time was interrupted by mom's phone call. (Looks like my HP is still in deep shit, often can't receive phone calls.) She said she will call me "later". Damn. It put a stop to my booze session, as I don't want to answer mom's phone call with strong alcoholic influence (she will probably kill me later if she knows it). And that "later" came after almost 3 hours. WTF. What a day for a heavy drinking session, and what a disappointment for not fulfilling the "destiny". Haiz.
Downloaded 三国志英杰传. It reminds me of a lot of fond memories and my glory days. And its BGMs are damn nice. And while surfing the net I found out that THE 8.02 PATCH FOR FM08 IS OUT ON VALENTINE"S DAY!!! OMFG this is what a good news. Finally I can get rid of those annoying player registration bugs, play in Spanish league and most importantly, start my journeyman career. YeeeeeHoooww.
Conclusion: Although i'm still lonely, isolated and forgotten, this Valentine's Day is the best, and the most rewarding one I have in my life. I got a lot of things I wanted and badly needed today. A huge boost that slightly enlightened my life.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
13/2/2008 - Dreamland
* Really feel lazy to write, but somehow i wrote it. Duh.
Woke up at 9am, have to attend "communication" class at 10.30am. The lesson was a pleasant one, a bit of jokes and a lot of things learned. One huge step towards my pilot dream, and looks like I am correct to stay in NTU, for now. I got what I really needed, unexpectedly. Thanks Roger The Tutor!
Day-dreaming from 1pm to 3pm. Played a mini-game called Defender 2, it was very addictive. No lunch today, as I spent all the afternoon time finishing lab report until 8pm. Dinner was 肉片饭, from the Sze-Chuan Stall in Canteen 2. It was good, but could be better if the annoying chili fragments are removed >.<
Spend my night dreaming and playing games. And other activities. Mom called, told me that the Parliament is disbanded. ANOTHER snap election, it sounds fishy to me. Will the opposition parties caught with their pants down? I dunno. I really dunno which side I stand for, as both Barisan Najis and The Oppositions are crap. BN is crappier anyway. Prime Minister of Malaysia frequently fallen asleep in Parliament session, anyone? Duh.
Chatted with Xun Ze. The things we talked about made me depressing. But thanks for the chocolate by the way. Probably my only Vday Chocolate. Heh.
Was really shocked to learn that Jie Yi is gonna confess his love to Xiao Hui. What the hell is he thinking? Why risk a great friendship for something not gonna happen? Maybe for a lousy person like me can befriend my dream girl is considered very lucky and satisfying. But unfortunately every time those kind of friendships turned sour, in my case. The most recent one, Shu Munn. Duh. Oh and BTW Kai Jiun Broke up with his GF, This one is more shocking, as they seemed like a happy close couple. All in a sudden his GF has defected for another boy. My oh my. Female. (but he still a lot better than me la, at least someone loves him in some point of his life.)
Took a cold water bath before typing this entry. Time to sleep as I have lab session tomorrow.
Oh BTW Qian Mei SMS-ed me to take some notes from her. At Vday's eve. Is it some kind of indication? Is it some kind of "invitation"? Is my luck finally changed? Hope so. Oh, really? How about Shu Munn? Is she thinking of me too?
Now I am wandering in wonderland. Blurred. I really think too much about unnecessary things. DUH.
Woke up at 9am, have to attend "communication" class at 10.30am. The lesson was a pleasant one, a bit of jokes and a lot of things learned. One huge step towards my pilot dream, and looks like I am correct to stay in NTU, for now. I got what I really needed, unexpectedly. Thanks Roger The Tutor!
Day-dreaming from 1pm to 3pm. Played a mini-game called Defender 2, it was very addictive. No lunch today, as I spent all the afternoon time finishing lab report until 8pm. Dinner was 肉片饭, from the Sze-Chuan Stall in Canteen 2. It was good, but could be better if the annoying chili fragments are removed >.<
Spend my night dreaming and playing games. And other activities. Mom called, told me that the Parliament is disbanded. ANOTHER snap election, it sounds fishy to me. Will the opposition parties caught with their pants down? I dunno. I really dunno which side I stand for, as both Barisan Najis and The Oppositions are crap. BN is crappier anyway. Prime Minister of Malaysia frequently fallen asleep in Parliament session, anyone? Duh.
Chatted with Xun Ze. The things we talked about made me depressing. But thanks for the chocolate by the way. Probably my only Vday Chocolate. Heh.
Was really shocked to learn that Jie Yi is gonna confess his love to Xiao Hui. What the hell is he thinking? Why risk a great friendship for something not gonna happen? Maybe for a lousy person like me can befriend my dream girl is considered very lucky and satisfying. But unfortunately every time those kind of friendships turned sour, in my case. The most recent one, Shu Munn. Duh. Oh and BTW Kai Jiun Broke up with his GF, This one is more shocking, as they seemed like a happy close couple. All in a sudden his GF has defected for another boy. My oh my. Female. (but he still a lot better than me la, at least someone loves him in some point of his life.)
Took a cold water bath before typing this entry. Time to sleep as I have lab session tomorrow.
Oh BTW Qian Mei SMS-ed me to take some notes from her. At Vday's eve. Is it some kind of indication? Is it some kind of "invitation"? Is my luck finally changed? Hope so. Oh, really? How about Shu Munn? Is she thinking of me too?
Now I am wandering in wonderland. Blurred. I really think too much about unnecessary things. DUH.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
12/2/2008 - Laziness
Woke up at 10am. To study. Wooo!
But realised that the test on 3.30pm is actually postponed to next thursday. Crod. I spent my whole morning studying for it.
Now I am facing a test at 5.30pm. Which I didn't study well. And the result turned out so. I am practically blurred in that test. Luckily it was a true/false test, where "tembak"-ing is lot more easier.
Nothing happened in night. Gone to some food court in Jurong West with Ara and Andy at midnight. Then come back and sleep. Zzz...
But realised that the test on 3.30pm is actually postponed to next thursday. Crod. I spent my whole morning studying for it.
Now I am facing a test at 5.30pm. Which I didn't study well. And the result turned out so. I am practically blurred in that test. Luckily it was a true/false test, where "tembak"-ing is lot more easier.
Nothing happened in night. Gone to some food court in Jurong West with Ara and Andy at midnight. Then come back and sleep. Zzz...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
11/2/2008 - Blank
I'm back in SG.
Woke up at 5.30, had breakfast at 玉壶轩, the dim sum is not very good. But still OK though.
Train departed from KL Sentral at 8.15am. Mom, who usually encourages me not to go home so often, seemed sad and lonely. Perhaps this is the reason she don't want me to go home often, as maybe it's hard for her to see me leaving. But I enjoy going home. Family first.
The train ride sucked big time. Totally uncomfortable. Night train is n times better than it, as I have a place to sleep,rather than sitting there for more than 7 hours.
Arrived at Hall 8 at about 5pm. Really tired. although I planned to spend today's evening to study, although I learned the shocking fact that Green Chem's test is worth 40% of final grade, I ended up sitting in front of computer, day-dreaming. No mood and too tired to study.
Blurred until now. Postponed my gym trip to tomorrow night. Really tired and exhausted.
Woke up at 5.30, had breakfast at 玉壶轩, the dim sum is not very good. But still OK though.
Train departed from KL Sentral at 8.15am. Mom, who usually encourages me not to go home so often, seemed sad and lonely. Perhaps this is the reason she don't want me to go home often, as maybe it's hard for her to see me leaving. But I enjoy going home. Family first.
The train ride sucked big time. Totally uncomfortable. Night train is n times better than it, as I have a place to sleep,rather than sitting there for more than 7 hours.
Arrived at Hall 8 at about 5pm. Really tired. although I planned to spend today's evening to study, although I learned the shocking fact that Green Chem's test is worth 40% of final grade, I ended up sitting in front of computer, day-dreaming. No mood and too tired to study.
Blurred until now. Postponed my gym trip to tomorrow night. Really tired and exhausted.
Monday, February 11, 2008
10/2/2008
Forced to wake up in the morning, have yong tau foo as breakfast. Not bad.
Basically day-dreaming and playing FM08 for the whole afternoon. Clearly I was trying to ignore the fact that I have 2 tough tests coming up and a report and an assignment to hand in. Absolutely no mood to do them, since...
Both my sis treated my family dinner at a restaurant at Taman Midah. Not the best around the town, but nonetheless it is a good meal. Was very full. Dishes are good. But desserts can be improved. Before dinner my eldest sis gave me a book, titled "二十岁的问号". Haven't seen a word of it though, I plan to do it sooner rather than later.
Man Utd lost to Citeh. Haha. And my beloved LFC only managed to draw with Chelski, thanks not small part to Crouchy, who spurned 3 great chances to win it once and for all. Sheez. BTW Egypt won the ANC. Serves Cameroon right, as those cheating bastards really don't deserve to be in the final.
A decent day overall, with a good meal, some decent result from LFC, and tons of works and impending failure of 2 subjects waiting. Good way to end my CNY holiday, as I'll be going back to SG tomorrow.
Good bye KL. For now.
Basically day-dreaming and playing FM08 for the whole afternoon. Clearly I was trying to ignore the fact that I have 2 tough tests coming up and a report and an assignment to hand in. Absolutely no mood to do them, since...
Both my sis treated my family dinner at a restaurant at Taman Midah. Not the best around the town, but nonetheless it is a good meal. Was very full. Dishes are good. But desserts can be improved. Before dinner my eldest sis gave me a book, titled "二十岁的问号". Haven't seen a word of it though, I plan to do it sooner rather than later.
Man Utd lost to Citeh. Haha. And my beloved LFC only managed to draw with Chelski, thanks not small part to Crouchy, who spurned 3 great chances to win it once and for all. Sheez. BTW Egypt won the ANC. Serves Cameroon right, as those cheating bastards really don't deserve to be in the final.
A decent day overall, with a good meal, some decent result from LFC, and tons of works and impending failure of 2 subjects waiting. Good way to end my CNY holiday, as I'll be going back to SG tomorrow.
Good bye KL. For now.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Everyday a post
*I hope I can make it as the title suggest. But the chronic lack of motivation to move my lazy ass...
Life is boring today.
Dim-sum in the morning.
Mom and my uncle's family went for Genting. But my uncle's car was tragically down. 5 people stranded on the road to the victory(Genting). Sheezz.
SO this is my personal diary. It is safe here, as almost no people will find it exist here.
If anyone who knows me, do find out about here, my only advise to his/her is:
GET A LIFE!!!
You are clever enough to find out here, but please do something more useful for yourself, rather than searching for a hopeless person's "diary". Please. Review your life.
Life is boring today.
Dim-sum in the morning.
Mom and my uncle's family went for Genting. But my uncle's car was tragically down. 5 people stranded on the road to the victory(Genting). Sheezz.
SO this is my personal diary. It is safe here, as almost no people will find it exist here.
If anyone who knows me, do find out about here, my only advise to his/her is:
GET A LIFE!!!
You are clever enough to find out here, but please do something more useful for yourself, rather than searching for a hopeless person's "diary". Please. Review your life.
Welcome Back
It's almost a year since i last post here.
Much have changed during this period. Not much positives. The situation is still deteriorating.
I still don't know what my life is. It looks more and more like a silhouette.
Dream and ambition, they only weaken me everyday.
Now I only hope I can have someone to be very close to me, who can share my life, or encourage my fight with the darkness. Preferably a female or gf. Hehe.
This is my only laughter recently. Life.
Much have changed during this period. Not much positives. The situation is still deteriorating.
I still don't know what my life is. It looks more and more like a silhouette.
Dream and ambition, they only weaken me everyday.
Now I only hope I can have someone to be very close to me, who can share my life, or encourage my fight with the darkness. Preferably a female or gf. Hehe.
This is my only laughter recently. Life.
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